Love can be a healing force, but sometimes, for those who carry emotional wounds from past relationships, it can feel like a battleground. When trauma or unhealed wounds from the past are at play, it often results in a relationship dynamic that is emotionally intense and confusing. If you've found yourself in a relationship where your partner exhibits hot-and-cold behavior, gaslighting, love bombing, and emotional withdrawal, it’s possible that they are projecting past fears and trauma in to the present (unto you).
But what happens when you—the partner on the receiving end—become exhausted by this constant emotional turmoil? When you’re continuously running the emotional race of being drawn in and then pushed away, how do you navigate this relationship without losing yourself? And, more importantly, how can you protect your own emotional well-being while still showing love to someone you care about?
What is Push-Pull Behavior?
Push-pull behavior is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner alternates between drawing the other in with affection, love, and closeness (the "pull") and then pushing them away by becoming distant, cold, or emotionally unavailable (the "push"). This pattern can leave both partners confused and emotionally drained.
For the partner exhibiting the push-pull behaviour, this inconsistency often stems from unresolved trauma—typically from past relationships or childhood experiences—where emotional needs were not met in a healthy way. The push-pull dynamic is essentially a defense mechanism.
- Fear of Abandonment: The person may push their partner away out of fear of being hurt again, even when they truly want connection.
- Self-Sabotage: They may unknowingly push others away before they get too close, worried that the relationship will repeat their past traumas.
- Emotional Insecurity: Their emotional responses can be volatile. One moment they might be full of affection and the next, distant and withdrawn. This inconsistency can be a way of protecting themselves from getting hurt.
Gaslighting, Love Bombing, and Emotional Manipulation
Two other common behaviours often linked to unresolved trauma are gaslighting and love bombing. These behaviours further complicate the dynamics of a relationship and can be emotionally draining for the partner on the receiving end.
Gaslighting:
Gaslighting occurs when one person manipulates the other into doubting their perception of reality, making them question their thoughts, memories, and feelings. It is often a covert tactic used by someone with emotional insecurity or narcissistic traits.
For example, if your partner accuses you of being too sensitive or overreacting when you express how their behavior makes you feel, they may be gaslighting you. This can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and unsure of your own emotions.
Love Bombing:
On the other end of the spectrum, love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation where one partner overwhelms the other with excessive affection, compliments, and attention—often at the start of the relationship. This may seem like an intense, romantic connection, but it can quickly turn unhealthy.
Love bombing can be a response to emotional neglect or insecurity. The person may shower their partner with affection to gain their validation or make themselves feel more secure. But once the partner becomes emotionally invested, the fear of abandonment sets in, and the cycle of emotional withdrawal begins.
The Effects on the Partner: Emotional Exhaustion and Doubt
If you’re in a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviours, you may start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells. One minute, everything feels perfect—your partner is affectionate, attentive, and loving—and the next, they withdraw or accuse you of things that feel unfair. This constant shift can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted, insecure, and unsure of what you want.
Here’s how this can affect you:
- Confusion: One moment, you feel loved and valued. The next, you’re questioning the relationship or doubting your own worth.
- Loss of Self-Esteem: If your partner constantly pulls away or criticizes you, it can affect your sense of self-worth. You might begin to wonder if you’re the problem, even though their behavior is a reflection of their own fears and insecurities.
- Fear of Abandonment: Just as your partner fears abandonment, you might start fearing that you’ll never be able to get the relationship right, or worse—fear that you’ll end up alone or that you’ll be abandoned.
- Emotional Burnout: Constantly trying to prove your love or fix the relationship can lead to emotional exhaustion, making it hard to maintain a sense of personal happiness and well-being.
If you’ve reached the point where you feel emotionally drained, fed up, or overwhelmed by the push-pull dynamics of your relationship, it’s important to take some time to reflect on your own feelings and needs.
You may be tempted to end the relationship if the emotional pain becomes too much, but before making any drastic decisions, it’s helpful to ask yourself a few key questions:
- Am I emotionally safe in this relationship? – Does your partner’s behavior make you feel consistently loved, or are you often left feeling insecure, confused, or invalidated?
- Is there room for growth? – Is your partner open to recognizing their trauma and seeking professional help, or are they resistant to change?
- Do I have clear boundaries? – Are you taking care of your own emotional needs, or are you constantly sacrificing your happiness to manage your partner’s insecurities?
If you feel emotionally unsafe or if your partner is unwilling to do the necessary work to heal their trauma, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. No one should feel like they’re walking on eggshells or constantly trying to fix someone else’s emotional pain.
And if you're feeling exhausted by your partner’s emotional behavior, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart conversation about how the relationship is affecting you. Here’s how to approach the situation:
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Communicate Honestly: Express how their behaviour is affecting you without blaming or criticizing. Use “I feel” statements (e.g., “I feel confused and hurt when you push me away after we’ve had a good time together”).
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Set Boundaries: Make it clear what behaviours you can and cannot tolerate. For example, “I understand that you’re afraid of being hurt, but I can’t continue in this relationship if you continue to pull away emotionally.”
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Encourage Professional Help: Gently suggest that they seek therapy or counselling to work through their trauma. But remember, healing is their responsibility, not yours.
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Protect Your Emotional Health: Above all, prioritize your emotional well-being. If you’ve been trying to manage your partner’s pain at the expense of your own happiness, it may be time to reassess your role in the relationship.
Conclusion: Finding Balance in Love
Being in a relationship with someone who has unresolved trauma can be incredibly rewarding, but it requires mutual understanding, patience, and healthy communication. If you’re feeling emotionally drained or fed up by the push-pull dynamics of the relationship, it’s important to recognize your own needs and set clear boundaries. If your partner is unwilling to seek help or make changes, you may need to consider whether the relationship is worth continuing.
Remember, you are not responsible for healing someone else, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own happiness and emotional health to make the relationship work. Healing comes from within, and the best way to move forward is to choose a path that nurtures both partners' emotional well-being. Love should be a place of comfort, not constant emotional turbulence.
Disclaimer:
The information provided in this 🌸earthangellibby118🌸blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional advice. While the blog aims to provide helpful insights on relationship dynamics and emotional healing, each individual and relationship is unique. If you are struggling with emotional trauma, relationship difficulties, or mental health challenges, we strongly recommend seeking professional guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor. Professional help can provide personalized support to address the specific needs of your situation.